The first sign of crazy *and refrences*

In this entry we are introduced to a number of things all of which I will explain now. #1 The park is a park called Grove Park because it's on Grove street! I know how clever hehe. Anyway the park is where all of the Drunks all of which I loved and hung out with hung out at! This is where I found most of my bad business at. I hung out here mostly every single day. Had tons of fun and learned a whole lot. Sometimes I miss it :(
#2 this is Mat! Mat is my gay friend hes amazing! We don't really talk a whole lot any more but at that time we were super close best friends. :) I miss him! We should hang out more often. Anyway through out this you will find his name a lot perhaps I should just make a dictionary of all the people and things and post it in an entry so that to avoid any confusion you can go back to it. No I will simply put refer to whatever entry.
#3 Doug Doug was someone I didn't hang out with a whole lot but we ended up having sex and hanging out some. I believe that I refer to him a few more times through out other entries and eventually a few years down the road he dies.
#4 Mark BIG MISTAKE #1 Mark was someone I totally thought I wanted but really he was not that great at all. He's a total asshole and a big mistake later we have sex and I go through a whole stupid thing with him Yea my first mistake!
#5 Dave BIG MISTAKE #2 Dave is someone I will refer to in entries now and years later. He was my first real relationship I move out of my moms house and in with him we end up fighting every day like physically. He was very abusive and the whole thing ends in me going to Jail for us fighting with each other you will read this later also. We met at the park ofcourse and we ended up kissing because I sneezed and he told me I was going to kiss a fool. Guess he was right because he sure was a fool!
I think that is all for the refrences in this entry we also find that I am stupid! Well atleast just a bit I immediatley jump to say I love someone which I do a lot through out this and it goes back and forth entry to entry. Its crazy I know! But it was part of me I guess. Crazy! Anyway I think that is all enjoy the read!


12:29 p.m. - 2002-04-01
This is for Mat because he said I need to write in my diary more!! Well the day before yesterday I went over to see Doug. Which I'm taking as a bad thing. See Doug is this guy that I've had sex with before. I was thinking yeah Me and him are just friends so it wouldn't hurt to go visit him. Well I did and there was this other guy there that I like to so we sat there and talked for a long time goofed around pierced the other guy Mark's ear and had fun. Well now ya gotta remember that I feel really comfortable around my guy friends. So I put my head on Doug's shoulder because I was tired. I then put my hand on bis leg and the other hand kinda close to his cock. Well I didn't notice my hand was that close until he looked at me and grunted. So I smiled and moved my hand. I moved it the side of his leg and rubbed his leg. Me and him have always had this closness with each other.:) Well we sat there talking smoking dope and being goofy. I didn't smoke anything simply because it's not summer yet. LOL! Mark got up and went to the bathroom and by that time me and Doug were holding hand s. Doug looked at me ran his soft hands across my face and began to kiss me. He whispered that he wanted to make love to me. I love that about him he says make love not FUCK like a lot of guys do. But any way I whispered back me too and we just sat there looking into each others eyes. For a moment I could have swore that me and him were in love. But then Mark came out and asked why we were so quiet. Doug said nothing and the night continued on. It was getting pretty late so I had to take the car home. But I told him that I would come over today at about 11 or 12 and I did. He wasn't home so I waited at the park for a while. Then I got up and walked around after talking to some of my park freak buddy's. I came back and waited some more then I decided to go so here I sit writing to you. I'm kinda like really dissapointed. I would go back but I don't have the car so I'll just wait until tommorow after I get out of school. Then I'll go over there and see what's going on. It's just confusing me because I have just recently realized how much I really love Dave and now I'm second guessing that because I do really like Doug a lot. I mean a lot a lot. He's everything that I want in a man. But I love Dave. I just have this comittment problem I like to have a guy on the side for some reason. I guess it's just to fullfill my lust when I need to get a fix. i really think that Doug is the man on the side for me. It's just turning into more than on the side. I am actually really begining to love Doug. I think I am any way. I'm not really to sure but it's starting to look that way. I've liked him for so long that I'm begining to want to be his full time lover not just part time. Well Easter went well I ate a hell of a lot of food and had fun. I thought about both Doug and Dave all day. UHH....I always say I want love then when it comes to me it's not just one love but two. It's either not enough or to much. Grr...will I ever be satisfied. I need to take classes on how to not cheat on someone. lol that might actually help me. I get to see Dave Saturday so I'll see if that changes my mind about anything or not. I'm going to see Doug tommorow so I'll see what happens with him to. I don't know it's all so confusing well I better go before this get's any longer. It's all ready like a thousand words long hehe... Okay Mat you said you wanted me towrite a entrie well here ya go here's a big ole' entrie for ya. -Sexy-